The words we choose, when expressing anger to people in our lives, have tremendous impact upon the emotional wellness of the recipient of our anger.  In addition our own state of mind, heart and spirit are affected by the words we use when we are angry.  When words such as “crazy”, “stupid” or phrases like “you must be out of your mind!” or “are you an idiot?” are used, the results, though not always immediately obvious, are devastating.

The words and phrases listed above are character condemnations.  They attack a person at the core of their self-worth.  Since anger is almost always a response to an external behavior that stimulates feelings within us, our anger is more accurately and appropriately expressed when we say what we are upset about rather than assassinate another person’s character.  So, if I were to say something like “I don’t like what you are doing now, it’s getting me very angry!”  ; this would be a clearer expression of my anger without the by-product of cutting someone’s self-esteem down.

Unfortunately, many of us were raised in a world, sometimes within our families and almost always within our peer environment, where hurtful labels were used often and with harmful intent.  These labels were used regularly enough that we became numb to the pain that they caused in others and within ourselves.  We developed an emotional scar tissue that kept us in a state of non-feeling.  Years of this practice translate into low self-esteem and feelings of internal shame for all people involved.  Low self-esteem and feelings of internal shame translate into a greater likelihood that a person will have emotional problems and become involved in high- risk behavior in their teen years and beyond.  For example, abuse of alcohol and other drugs is far more common among teens that have been injured psychologically as children.  Why else would someone knowingly put poison into their body for the sake of social acceptance?

Children are particularly vulnerable to this process.  Their psyches are pliable like wet clay.  Therefore, emotional imprints go very deeply into their personality cores.  When that imprinting is toxic, we begin to see emotional numbness in children and sometimes hyperactivity as an unconscious attempt to allay anxiety or depression.   Later, in adolescence, we see acting out and/or acting in behaviors including the attempted management of feelings through self-medication (substance abuse and/or sexual promiscuity).

There is no absolute answer to prevention of these problems all of the time.  However, we can make the odds far better for our children specifically, our families in general and perhaps anyone we communicate with, if we become more conscious of the words and intonation (sarcasm can cut like a knife) we use when expressing anger toward others.  Practically speaking, I suggest that that all adults and children find safe avenues for the communication of feelings.  Counseling and parental support groups as well as the use of the feedback of friends and family can go a long way toward reducing the likelihood that expressing anger will develop into character assassination.

The stress of parenting, family management and responsibility to oneself is monumental and is enough to cause anyone to “lose it” sometimes.  The manner in which we display our feelings reverberates and becomes amplified in our personal relationships, affecting everyone’s mental health.  It becomes, then, all the more important that we have support for ourselves when we become emotionally vulnerable.  The benefits to breaking our silence on these issues can be wonderful though the process may sometimes be painful.  In communicating more about our feelings and in getting helpful support we do have an opportunity to heal our piece of the world through the healing of our relationships and we have a far better chance of raising healthier children.
 
 

Steven Sacks, ACSW, CASAC
School Social Worker
Bowling Green Elementary School